Relationships Sundays

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell

The topic of estrangement is getting a lot of attention lately. Some are calling it an epidemic. Others say it’s always been fairly common; however, people are just talking more candidly about it now.

But what exactly does “estranged” mean? Does it come with a universal definition or set of rules to follow?

The Language of Estrangement

I think part of what makes estrangement a heated topic is that the word “estranged” means different things to different people. In my work as an author and journalist, I talk with people on all sides of the estrangement equation. For some, estrangement equals cutting all contact with someone indefinitely. For others, it’s about limiting interactions. It might simply mean, “we don’t talk much anymore” or “I’m taking some space.” I know some people who are estranged from a family member most of the year, but still come together around holidays or special occasions, like weddings or graduations. Some families undergo multiple estrangements and reconciliations throughout their lifetimes.

Estrangement might happen very suddenly and dramatically. Or, it could be quiet and gradual. Perhaps someone draws new boundary lines or steps away incrementally from a family member who has caused harm.

There might be a conversation about the need for distance, or not. Sometimes estrangement happens when one family member ghosts another, and no explanation is ever offered. The estrangement process might include a shared goal of reconciliation, or the estrangement might be permanent.

So, for those of us experiencing the estrangement firsthand, how do we talk about it? How do we define it? What are the rules? Do we owe our friends, relatives, or acquaintances an explanation of what happened? Do we need them to understand and empathize? How do we combat misconceptions and stigma?

How I Talk About It

In my case, it’s taken years to find the language to describe my estrangement, and there are many details that I keep private. But sharing some basic talking points has helped the people closest to me understand and offer support.

Defining and naming my experience has helped me overcome the shame and stigma of estrangement, and it also allows me to validate others and help them know they’re not alone.

My estrangement from my mother didn’t happen all at once. It started when I was a teenager and moved out to escape the abuse and parentification I experienced at home. Over the years, I experimented with having different levels of contact. I tried setting boundaries, loving her from a distance. However, when my own children were born, there were incidents that made me realize that their safety depended on my cutting contact and keeping all of us away from harm.

Years later, as I talk about it, I’m quick to caution that my story is mine and not a template for anyone else to follow. Estrangement, for me, has been a necessary path to healing. It’s given me the space and safety to become a healthy mother to my children – and to break generational cycles of abuse.

The more I write about complicated families, the more I’ve realized each one is unique. There’s no magic formula or cookie-cutter solution that works for everyone. There is no one right way to navigate estrangement, and there’s no universal definition or rulebook. I encourage those who are curious about setting boundaries to talk with an objective professional, such as a therapist, who can help them sort through the layers and find some clarity.

In the end, the rules of estrangement are yours to define.

Other Relationships

Do you believe that it’s healthy to set boundaries that may ultimately lead to estrangement?