The Bible says “honor your father and mother” - but what if they aren’t honorable? What if they don’t deserve it? Is there an exception to that command? And, if not, how do you honor someone who isn’t honorable? And how do you teach your children to do the same?
These are all great questions. Let’s make sure we are starting with an accurate view of what honor actually is, because many would think that it is obedience or respect or holding someone in high regard. But thankfully, the Bible doesn’t view honor the same way the world does.
What is honor?
From a study of Scripture, we see that honor refers to recognition of (and a show of integrity toward) a person due to their appointed status. In other words, “honor your father and mother” could be rephrased as “recognize the appointed position of your father and mother, and show integrity in your actions toward them."
Since a parent’s position as “father” or “mother” is appointed by God, there is no exception to the command to recognize that. Therefore, parents don’t get honor because they deserve it, they get honor because they are appointed it.
It should be a relief to know that honor is simply a recognition of a person’s appointed position. That’s easier to swallow than obedience, respect, or esteem toward someone who doesn’t deserve that. So let’s continue this discussion by talking about what honor is not.
What honor is NOT
Honor is not obedience
When Colossians 3:20 says “obey your parents in everything,” it clearly does not mean absolutely everything, because it is obvious that God would not require you to obey them in sin. 1 Timothy 5: 22 says “do not share in the sins of others,” When you obey someone’s selfish demands or allow their abuse, you are participating in their sin.
Obedience to an emotionally unhealthy/abusive parent also results in harm to yourself and to the parent, and Romans 13: 10 says “Love does no harm.” So honoring a parent cannot mean unconditionally obeying them.
How does it result in harm? It results in harm to yourself because you are participating in their sin of selfishness and abuse, and it results in harm to the parent because, rather than having the opportunity to become aware of their sinful nature, obedience colludes with it and enables continuing in sin. What we are called to do is this: “whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death” (James 5:20) - and colluding with and enabling their sin through obedience will not turn them from their error and will not save them from death. Romans 14:22 says “Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves, so do not harm them by your approval of their behavior through obedience.
Furthermore, we are called to put God first, not our parents. Acts 5: 29 says, when what a person tells you to do does not align with what God wants, then you “must obey God rather than human beings.” So obedience to parents is not a requirement.
Honor is not praise (or speaking well of)
If you try to speak well of someone who is not deserving of praise, you are dishonoring yourself, and you don’t have to do that. You can be honest without being slanderous - and sometimes honesty means saying unpleasant things.
David is a great example of honoring someone even while speaking truth about their bad behavior in the book of 1 Samuel, chapter 24. Saul is looking for David in order to take his life and goes into a cave to relieve himself, not knowing that David is in the cave. David has an opportunity to kill Saul but doesn’t, instead, cutting a corner off of Saul’s robe. He then says to Saul: “My lord the king!” When Saul looked behind him, David bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground. He said to Saul, ‘Why do you listen when men say, ‘David is bent on harming you’? This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, ‘I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the Lord’s anointed.’ See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. See that there is nothing in my hand to indicate that I am guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life. May the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you.”
Honor is not a feeling
There is a difference between a parent FEELING honored and a parent being TREATED WITH honor. What we are called to do is honor our father and mother. We are not called to make them feel honored. It’s an important distinction because a parent who isn’t honorable will want honor to feel like obedience, affirmation, acceptance, worship, and submission. To be frank, anyone expecting all of that is not going to feel honored by any amount of effort on a child’s part, because in order to FEEL honored, you have to have HUMILITY - and humility is lacking if someone thinks they deserve honor - see Luke 14: 7-11
Honor is not something that a parent can demand
Something that is not freely given is not given at all - it’s taken - and there’s no true honor in that. You can’t force someone to honor you - and you shouldn’t try.
The verses in Ephesians that come after “honor your father and mother” say “fathers, do not exasperate your children.” God doesn’t command one person in a relationship without giving a command to the other. A parent will exasperate his/her children by trying to force their children to honor them. A parent must understand that they have to give their children the freedom to choose not to honor so that, if they do honor, it is a choice. (After all, the consequence for them failing to honor is theirs, as the rest of the verse says “so that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life” - those who hold bitterness against their parents fail to relieve themselves of their own suffering.)
When we consider the topic of honor, we need to remain consistent with the character of God and not become legalistic. An emotionally unhealthy parent will push the command to honor legalistically and hard - all the while ignoring the command of the next verse that says “fathers, do not exasperate your children.” [Read my article about how exasperation can produce anxiety]
God is not about us legalistically following his commands - we are not saved by the law. God is about loving him and loving others - this includes treating each other rightly and giving others the freedom to make their own choices about how to treat people (and protecting ourselves from those choices if necessary). God’s Word is not meant to enslave us, it is meant to set us free.
Therefore, obedience is never the parenting goal of a parent who is honorable. Maturity is the goal.
How to honor parents who don’t deserve it
The command to honor your father and mother doesn’t come with exceptions. So, how can you recognize your parent’s position and influence (either positive or negative) in your life and follow the command to honor them? Before we get into that, let’s start with: “Why, even, would you honor/recognize them?”
Our parents, whether or not they chose their appointed status and whether or not they handled it with care and integrity, have a huge impact on our lives. A parent’s abuse, neglect, or absence is painfully impactful, and even if you want to dismiss that and act like you couldn’t care less about them, you have to acknowledge their role in order to heal from the emotional wounds they inflicted so that you can grow into a mature, emotionally healthy adult who has healthy relationships. [Wondering why your relationships aren’t healthy? It’s because you haven’t healed. Get my guide to healing.]
Knowing that recognizing their position/role is important, let’s move on.
Ways we fail to honor our dishonorable parents:
We fail to honor our parents (and the command of God) when we intentionally minimize their role and impact in our lives (for example, by calling them by their first names or by not referring to them at all or by referring to them by derogatory names like “sperm donor”).
We also fail to honor them when we harbor resentments or bitterness that make us feel cold toward them rather than finding the capacity to stay warm and compassionate and gracious toward them even while keeping emotional (and/or physical) distance as necessary.
What does honor look like?
Honoring a dishonorable parent looks like declaring, in your heart and with your actions, “You are my dad (or mom), so I don’t want you to feel hurt or disrespected or unappreciated, but I can’t dishonor who I am as a child of God in order to try to make you FEEL honored.” For example:
I can’t accept blame for things I didn’t do in order to make you feel better about your mistakes. Therefore, when you make a mess and tell me I have to clean it up, I might not do it. Not to dishonor you, but to protect myself from becoming your punching bag.
I can’t be at your beck and call in order to help you feel important. Therefore, when you order me around, I might say “no.” Not to dishonor you, but to protect my freedom to be me and not be a slave.
I can’t do everything you want me to do so that you feel like you have succeeded as a parent. Therefore, when you tell me I have to eat my peas, I might not eat my peas. Not to dishonor you, but because I don’t like peas, and that’s OK.
I won’t always think the way you want me to think, or hold the same values or opinions in order to make you feel right. Therefore, sometimes when you send me to my room to think about how wrong it is to contradict you, I might go to my room and think about something else and have nothing to say to you when you ask me what I was thinking about. Not to dishonor you, but because honor isn’t dependent on me thinking like you.
I won’t accept who you tell me I am just so you can feel better and more powerful. Therefore, sometimes when you yell at me and call me names, I might say back to you “that’s not true” and maybe I’ll even leave the house. Not to dishonor you, but because honor isn’t dependent upon whether I accept your criticisms of me or not.
I won’t always tolerate your unpredictable anger. Therefore, when you want a relationship with me, I might choose to stay distant. Not to dishonor you, but because bad company corrupts good character, and I watch my life closely so as not to fall in with people that will influence me negatively - even if that’s a parent.
I won’t be controlled by the guilt you try to place on me for not spending time with you so that you can feel like you weren’t absent as a parent. Therefore, when you try to make me feel guilty for not going to your house for the holidays, I might not go next year, either. Not to dishonor you but to let you know that guilt does not attract me to you.
And if I don’t have the freedom to say “no” or to disobey, I will stand firm in the truth that I am not your slave or a loser or your punching bag or your friend, and one day I will be free to be who I am and will be able to protect myself from you.
“But to honor you, what I WILL do is…”
I will forgive you [be sure to read my article on forgiveness, it may surprise you!]
I will always call you my dad / my mom
I will acknowledge that you did your best
I will treat you with as much gentleness and respect as I can
I will do what I reasonably can without forsaking myself when you ask me to
I will appreciate the good things you do
I will spend time with you if I feel emotionally safe to do so
I will set boundaries and hope that you see them as guide rails that can lead to a good relationship with me
I will not reject your opportunities for reconciliation (but I might require more than what you are willing to give)
I will yearn for a good relationship with you while accepting the reality that that may never come to pass
I will never lose hope
Here are some other ways to honor a parent who isn’t honorable:
Speak the truth in love (even if they’ll hate you for it - Galatians 4: 16 “have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?”)
Give them the freedom to reject you
Grieve the loss of your relationship with them
Don’t blame them for your problems, but seek to heal your own wounds (those who hurt us can’t heal us - don’t expect them to). Said another way: don’t let your reasons for your behavior (when you act out of woundedness) become excuses for your behavior
Don’t expect from them what they cannot give (love, apologies, understanding, generosity) - but also don’t forgo the requirement for mutuality in the relationship just because they can’t do their part - adjust the depth of the relationship so that you are not a victim of their incapacity
Don’t become like them - heal
Remain open to forgiveness and reconciliation [read my article on forgiveness here]
Pray for them to be able to give and receive love
Trust that they did the best they could (if they could have done better, they would have done better - just believe that)
Set boundaries to protect them from becoming enmeshed with you and to protect yourself from emotional turmoil
How to be a parent worthy of honor
So maybe you’ve been reading this and you’re thinking “I don’t want to be a dishonorable parent. What can I do to be a parent worthy of honor?” - especially since we are our children’s first experience of what God is like as a Good Father, and we want to represent Him accurately so that they honor God.
As parents, it is our responsibility to instill in our children 3 things that will help them grow into emotionally healthy adults, show them that we have their best interest in mind, make our children’s relationship with us valuable, and make honoring us easy.
1. Significance (you’re valuable/you matter)
celebrate them for who they are (not just for what they do)
have fun with them
seek to understand the deeper need behind negative behavior (a need to be heard, a need for personal power, a need to be loved, a need to be affirmed) - and address that more than the behavior
make what’s important to them important to you - and share what’s important to you with them
tell them the truth (don’t come up with empty words or flippant responses or scenarios that convey a lie instead of the truth)
2. Strength (you have personal power/autonomy/you are free to choose)
give them freedom - even the freedom to reject you (like God allows us to reject him)
help them grieve and work through negative emotions and situations - don’t take the easy way out and tell them it’s not a big deal or they need to get over it or cliches like “time heals all wounds”
teach them critical thinking and discernment so that they can consider what is right and wrong
be sure not to judge what they think or feel as right or wrong - honor their journey while gently guiding them
teach them to trust their instincts
3. Security (you are safe)
set appropriate limits (boundaries designed to protect and guide)
protect them until they are mature enough to protect themselves (and explain to them “why” you have to protect them - always with an attitude of concern rather than of authority)
stand up for them and show them how to stand up for themselves
allow honesty (let them tell you things - even things that are hard to hear - without criticizing, without trying to get them to see things your way) - allow negative feelings - be a safe space for them to process their thoughts and feelings
don’t make them do things that fly in the face of their intuition about what is acceptable (“kiss your aunty’s hairy face”) - affirm the decisions they make regarding their safety
In order to do all of those things, a parent must get emotionally healthy themselves - you can’t provide what you don’t have. Recover from your own childhood (let God reparent you) so you can provide mature guidance. Otherwise you will be parenting from a place of insecurity, using shame, guilt, CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, Punishment), or other unhealthy methods of licking your own wounds rather than doing what is best for your child.
Everyone is drawn to freedom, stability, honesty, genuineness - be that for them - that’s how you earn their trust so that you can guide and influence them.
(As a side note, after a child turns 18 years old, they are legally responsible for themselves. You’ve done what you can do, now you turn them over to God to finish the work. You can stop “parenting” them and just be there for them as a healthy, mature adult. That’s the way to be worthy of honor after they are 18.)
What if you have a child whose other parent is not honorable?
How do you teach your children so that they do not either 1. Become like the other parent (emotionally unhealthy or abusive) or 2. Yield their souls to the other parent (become codependent and people-pleasing)? Because those are the two options unless they are emotionally healthy.
First, respect what your children feel comfortable with as long as they show that they can handle it. This means that if your child doesn’t seem comfortable spending time with the other parent, then you shouldn’t force them, nor should you try to tell your child that their father is a good father when he clearly has bad character. Likewise, if the child is comfortable spending time with the other parent, you should allow that, but be discerning and wise as you handle discussions so that the truth about the other parent’s character is not suppressed, lest your child think that the other parent’s behavior is normal and appropriate (even though it’s not).
Not everyone would agree that you should allow the other parent to be estranged as per the child’s preferences, but the reason is for the sake of the child’s emotional development and future relationships. When you subject your children to unhealthy relationships because of common belief statements like “he’s your father,” you are teaching children that they have to put up with emotionally unhealthy people. It sends the message to the child that their feelings don’t matter (and that they shouldn’t trust their feelings), that they can’t say “no” or set boundaries, and that they have to tolerate someone whose behavior is not tolerable.
Imagine what children grow up to be like when they don’t trust their feelings, when they don’t set boundaries, and when they tolerate unacceptable behavior. They end up in dysfunctional relationships and heartache, repeating the same cycle as their parents.
If your children choose to stay in contact with an emotionally unhealthy parent (or they are required to due to a court order), you can help them be emotionally healthy (again, instilling strength, significance, and security) by:
Affirming to them what they instinctively know to be true (kids are great at sensing when they are being manipulated, controlled, bamboozled, or treated wrongly) - affirm their sense of right and wrong
Not pretending that things are OK when they’re not
Helping them understand the dynamics of what is occurring (at an age-appropriate level)
Not asking them to choose sides
Letting them know that they are not alone and that you understand what they’re dealing with
Teaching them what is OK and what is not without being accusatory or slanderous
Helping them know how to protect themselves by setting boundaries
Being an example of an emotionally healthy adult who doesn’t exploit or control others
Helping them grieve the loss of a good parent-child relationship
Staying grounded in reality (instead of the fantasy of what could be or “should” be)
Modeling a healthy relationship with them (give freedom, validate perspective, stay in reality/tell the truth, take responsibility and require it from others, recognize that results speak for themselves)
When all is said and done, honoring your parent is done as much for you as it is for them. After all, it is the first commandment with a promise “that it may go well with you and you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Having the right mindset toward a parent who has not acted honorably will be healing for you and help you have good relationships. And you will discover that, as much as you may hope that your situation with your parent changes…
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation…
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