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Mastery Mondays

Personal Change

Taking Responsibility

Have you ever been around someone who fails to take responsibility for their actions?

I have a friend who really struggles to take responsibility and always seems to be playing the victim role. It honestly drives me crazy - she always acts as though life is “happening to her” when the reality is that she often creates the circumstances she ends up in.

For example, she recently told me that she feels like she is struggling in many of her relationships. In the same visit, she later told me that she has been grouchy and disagreeable lately.

We have a fairly good relationship and I believe that true friends tell each other hard things in love. I very gently tried to bring up that there might be a relationship between struggling in her relationships and being disagreeable with people. She was not very receptive to this idea and had excuses and reasons for every example she had given me about being grouchy and disagreeable.

At that rate I decided that it was my best move to let it go and carry on. She was not ready to hear what I had to say and she definitely was not ready to take responsibility for her part in her relationship difficulties.

We have been friends for long enough that I know she is struggling to take responsibility for her actions. And I get it, it is much easier to blame other people or circumstances than it is to look at our own faults and work through them.

I know that sooner or later she will get there - it just takes her awhile. In the meantime she suffers for it, so I wish she would be willing to see it sooner. However, I know that sometimes I can really struggle with taking responsibility as well - it’s not the easiest thing in the world.

Recommended Book

Extreme Ownership

Nov 21, 2017
ISBN: 9781250184726

Interesting Fact #1

When we hold ourselves accountable, we are more likely to admit our mistakes, learn from them, and make changes to improve our behavior. This can lead to stronger, healthier relationships, as we become more empathetic, compassionate, and understanding of those around us.

SOURCE

Interesting Fact #2

At its core, accountability is about ownership. It is about taking ownership of our actions, decisions, and behaviors, and recognizing that we have the power to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others. When we hold ourselves accountable, we become more committed to our goals, and we are more likely to follow through on our commitments.

SOURCE

Interesting Fact #3

When individuals take responsibility for their actions, they earn the trust and respect of those around them. This is because accountability demonstrates integrity, honesty, and a willingness to learn and improve. People who are accountable are viewed as reliable, dependable, and trustworthy.

SOURCE

Quote of the day

“Resolution, like responsibility, is a product of ownership, and kids can't resolve a conflict until they figure out how they contributed to it.” ― Richard Eyre

Article of the day - Responsibility Means Accepting Our Poor Choices, Too

“Do you regret not having kids?” my brother-in-law asked me on my 65th birthday. Earlier that evening, we had enjoyed a festive birthday dinner at a taverna in Mytiline, on the Greek island of Lesvos.

“No,” I answered. “I actually feel good about most of the decisions I have made in my life.”

I don’t know if that was the answer he expected, certainly coming from someone (me) who was about to mark the 18th anniversary of his HIV diagnosis.

In fact, when I have said what I did to others, I’ve always wondered if they think I am deluded. After all, it was also the choices I made that led to my encounter with the same deadly virus that killed too many of my friends.

So why feel good about my choices?

Because I have accepted responsibility for their consequences, both positive and negative. And because I have come to understand and accept that I am as flawed and human as anyone else, and to practice the concept of self-forgiveness. These are fruits of the wisdom I have sought to cultivate in myself.

It’s funny about taking responsibility for ourselves: We are happy to enjoy the good things that come our way as the result of a good choice we make.

But what about when a choice brings negative consequences? It’s certainly a negative consequence of my choice to engage in the sexual behavior that got me infected with HIV. I must now take expensive, toxic medication every day for the rest of my life.

Here’s the thing: We don’t get to accept responsibility for our choices when they lead to positive outcomes and then cast blame elsewhere when our choice leads to a negative result.

Within months of my diagnosis in 2005, I offered myself as a sort of mental health guinea pig when I volunteered to be interviewed by a psychiatrist I knew in front of a hotel ballroom full of other psychiatrists. We were going to demonstrate for the doctors who wanted to learn what a psychiatric intake assessment would look like for a newly diagnosed HIV-positive individual.

In our conversation, the subject of choices and responsibility came up. Although I was still very new to the business of publicly sharing my personal story, I could already articulate a viewpoint that continues to this day.

I was asked whether I blame the other person who passed along his virus to me. I responded that I had read enough of the French existentialists to understand that truly taking responsibility for ourselves means that we must accept the consequences of all our choices—not only those that lead to pleasant results.

I would not—could not—blame the other man because whatever we did together that got me infected was consensual, not coerced. I had chosen to engage in the behavior that had led to the fateful phone call from my doctor breaking the news of my diagnosis.

That’s where many of us go off track. We consider ourselves to be mature, responsible adults. Yet it is tempting to blame someone else or chalk it up to life’s “unfairness” when we confront a difficult situation.

It’s hard to confront the fact that our own choices, more often than we care to admit, lead us down the pathway either toward peace and concord or toward self-defeat.

Becoming resilient requires us to own our part in the circumstances of our lives.

We must accept that even our challenges come about because of our choices. Ditto for the joyful times.

It takes practice to choose actions and words that contribute toward supporting our best good, just as it takes practice to know how to accept responsibility for undesirable results and when to move on. This is why we discuss “practicing” mindfulness and other activities supporting our resilience.

It comes down to making choices that support the bigger choice: to care for ourselves.

Question of the day - What aspect of your life do you struggle to take responsibility for?

Personal Change

What aspect of your life do you struggle to take responsibility for?