Truth & Character Thursdays

“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” ― Plato

Key points

• Children hit siblings primarily for two reasons: wanting to play or seeking parental attention and connection.
• Asking "What is my child trying to tell me?" leads to different responses than asking "How do I stop this?"
• Traditional discipline suppresses symptoms without addressing why children act out to meet their unmet needs.

In my previous posts, we explored why you're too tired to parent the way you want to and 7 parenting strategies when parenting feels too hard. Today, we're tackling a question I see parents asking constantly: "What discipline should I use when my child does X?" But when we focus only on stopping behavior, we miss what's actually happening underneath.

The Question We're Asking Wrong

Sometimes I see parents online asking: "What discipline tools do you use in X situation?" or "What consequence do you give for Y behavior?"

When we ask these questions, we're missing the opportunity to understand why the child was doing the behavior in the first place.

Adrianna and Tim, parents I worked with, struggled with this. Their kids, Bodhi and Remy, used to fight constantly, and Adrianna would jump in to send each child to their "corner." Their fighting triggered memories from her own childhood, and she would tell them: "Siblings aren't supposed to do that. You guys have to be best friends." But that approach wasn't working; Adrianna couldn't go to the bathroom without one of them pulling the other one's hair out.

Why Traditional Discipline Stops Working

Kids act out because they have unmet needs and they don't know how else to communicate them.

Parents whose kids hit each other usually find the hitting happens for one of two reasons:

• The hitting child wants to play and doesn't know how to ask the other one.

• The hitting child wants connection with a parent, and hitting their sibling is the fastest way to get their parent's attention.

Traditional discipline methods—timeouts, consequences, taking away privileges, spanking—focus on stopping the behavior. And they might work temporarily: Your child stops hitting because they don't want to lose screen time or sit alone in their room.

But separating them, punishing them, or bribing them doesn't teach them what to do instead. It doesn't address why they hit in the first place. So the same thing happens tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

When you understand that behavior is communication, you ask different questions. Instead of asking "How do I make this stop?" you start asking, "What is my child trying to tell me?" You respond to the underlying issue rather than just suppressing the symptom.

What Actually Works

When we talk about our own feelings and needs with our kids, they then start doing it with each other.

That's what happened for Adrianna and Tim. Adrianna started modeling this approach in everyday moments with her kids:

• "I see you don't like either of the options I'm proposing. Do you need autonomy? Do you want to make this decision yourself?"

• "I see you not wanting to go to bed, and I'm wondering if you have a need for more connection with me? Could we do that after dinner tomorrow?"

• "It's hard for me to hear you ask for help in that tone. Are you overwhelmed right now? Are you hoping for help to make things a bit easier this evening?"

Her kids absorbed these patterns. A few weeks later, four-year-old Bodhi was coloring when his three-year-old sister Remy came over and started trying to color on his paper. Previously, this would have ended in a meltdown and Adrianna jumping in to send them to separate corners.

Instead, Bodhi said: "Wait a second, Remy, let's talk about this. What do you need right now?"

Remy: "I really wanted some extra playtime with you because you spend so much time coloring."

Bodhi: "Okay, what if I stop coloring for a few minutes and play with you?"

They solved it themselves. No parent intervention. No timeout. No consequences.

And...Adrianna could finally go to the bathroom by herself. With the door closed. And know that her kids would still have all their body parts when she re-emerged.

Children are capable of far more emotional intelligence than most people realize. When we model problem-solving—identifying feelings and needs, and brainstorming strategies to meet everyone's needs —they absorb those patterns. Then they start applying them in their own relationships. My own daughter's preschool peers would look to her to help facilitate their conflicts. This doesn't happen overnight, but it happens faster than you might expect when you consistently use these tools.

Getting Support When Parenting Strategies Aren't Working

If you're stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and reactivity, it might be time to get support. Three things help make actual change happen:

• Research-based information tailored to your family. Not just the latest trending parenting advice, but an understanding of what the whole body of scientific research actually says and how to apply it to your specific situation. Generic advice fails because it doesn't account for your unique nervous system, your triggers, or your family dynamics.

• A supportive community. Other parents who share your values. Who won't judge you when you admit you yelled at your kid this morning. Who understand what you're trying to do and can offer perspective when you're stuck. Community gives you both validation and practical wisdom from people navigating similar challenges.

• Help when you get stuck. Coaching makes the difference here—someone who can help you see the patterns you can't see yourself and identify the specific barriers keeping you stuck.

Final Thoughts

The shift from "How do I stop this behavior?" to "What is my child trying to tell me?" makes everything different in a family. When you understand that your child's difficult behavior is their best attempt to meet a legitimate need, you can help them find better strategies.

This doesn't mean you let your kids do whatever they want. You're teaching them how to figure out what they need and ask for it in ways that work for everyone.

Adrianna and Tim's story shows what becomes possible. Their kids went from constant fighting to solving conflicts independently—at ages three and four. Not because the kids became perfect, but because they learned the same problem-solving tools their parents were using.

References

Lumanlan, J. (n.d). Parenting Membership. Your Parenting Mojo. yourparentingmojo.com/parentingmembership/

Catania, A.. (2003). B. F. Skinner's Science and Human Behavior: Its antecedents and its consequences. Journal of the experimental analysis of behavior. 80. 313-20. 10.1901/jeab.2003.80-313.

Leijten, Patty & Gardner, Frances & Melendez-Torres, G. & Knerr, Wendy & Overbeek, Geertjan. (2018). Parenting behaviors that shape child compliance: A multilevel meta-analysis. PLOS ONE. 13. e0204929. 10.1371/journal.pone.0204929.

Crime & Punishment

What is your strongest conviction when it comes to effective child discipline?