Key points
- When we're criticized, it can be hard to take responsibility for our actions.
- Criticizing someone else can be a way of avoiding our own responsibility.
- Taking legitimate responsibility can make you feel more competent, powerful, and in charge of yourself.
“I don’t understand,” Matt* said. “I love that woman to death, and she knows it. Why does she want a separation? We have a really good thing going—one of the better relationships among all of our friends.”
I wasn’t sure if Matt really wanted an answer to his question but based on our work together over the past year, I had an idea about it, and I thought it might be helpful for him to hear it. “I know you love her,” I said, “but are you sure she does?”
“What?” he said. “You think she doesn’t know I love her?”
“Well, most of the time in therapy you talk about the things you wish she would change,” I said. “You get upset about things she says to you, want her to be more empathic to your needs, want to have sex more often, wish she had a better-paying job, and that she was better at housekeeping. You also tell me that she’s overweight and that you don’t like her clothes. Is it possible that you’ve communicated some of those things to her?”
Matt was basically a good guy who really did love his wife. The truth was, he was as hard on himself as he was on her, pushing himself at work and criticizing himself for even small mistakes. But he had some of the same problems at work that he did at home. When his manager criticized him, for example, he quickly felt hurt and then furious. In those moments, he was unable to take responsibility for his own actions.
Emily May, marketing director for the Niagara Institute, writes that taking responsibility means acknowledging that “you play a part in every situation or experience and therefore, have some degree of” accountability for what has happened. Yet in our reward-driven culture, being accountable for a mistake can feel dangerous or frightening or even shameful. You may worry about being blamed for the entirety of a problem—especially when other people are not admitting to their own part in the situation.
Yet when we don’t take our own legitimate share of responsibility, we run the danger of losing a sense of our own power or sense of control over our own actions. This sense of control over what we do and don’t do is called “a sense of agency” or, as psychologist James W. Moore has described it, a “feeling of being in the driving seat when it comes to our actions.”
Research has shown that a sense of agency provides us with a greater sense of competence, even when it involves taking responsibility for mistakes or negative behaviors.
After our session, Matt went back to his wife and told her that he was aware that he had made some big mistakes in their relationship. “I don’t tell you how much I love you,” he said, “or how proud of you I am. I’m really sorry.” He asked her if she would consider staying together while he worked on this issue, saying that he was really sad that he had made her feel so bad about herself and about him. But, he added, if she needed to separate while he worked on it, he would accept that. He just hoped that she would give him a chance to repair things with her.
To his relief, she agreed to stay with him in what she called a “trial unification.” Matt told me that he was amazed that he felt not just relieved that she had agreed to stay, but also stronger. “I feel more in control of myself and my life than I have in years,” he said. He and his wife agreed that there would be mistakes made on both sides, but that if they each took responsibility for their own part, things might be much better than they were before.
It's an important lesson to keep in mind. Taking responsibility does not mean never making a mistake. We humans are imperfect by definition, so we will always make mistakes. But taking responsibility for our actions, even when they are accidents, means that we can change our behavior going forward. And knowing that we can make changes gives us a sense of agency, a feeling of power over what we do and don’t do, and a sense of competence. And that sense of competence can increase self-esteem, improve our work, and mend our relationships.
*Names changed to protect privacy.
Copyright @fdbarth2022.
Comments